Several years ago, I rewrote a number of holiday songs to try to bring them into

line with our modern times. A reader recently asked me if I would add a few more so that her annual family sing-along could be updated. So here, all shiny and new for 2005, are my latest updated carols.

Duck Here Comes The Holiday Season

Duck here comes the holiday season

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Everyone has lost their reason

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la Don is in his gay apparel

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la. His underwear belongs to Carol

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la.

Park the car down at the mall

Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la. But only if you find a stall

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. The prices are all a big outrage

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la You’re going to need a second mortgage

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

The season comes but once a year

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la To that, we all raise up a cheer

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la To those who say that it goes too fast

Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la I say stick it up your fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la

‘Cause of Snow!

Oh, the weather outside is frightful, And my actions weren’t insightful And now I’m going to need a tow ‘cause of snow, ‘cause of snow, ‘cause of snow.

The car showed no signs of stopping, And the tow truck bill is whopping; My funds are now getting low, ‘cause of snow, ‘cause of snow, ‘cause of snow.

When he finally says good night, Driving home will make my face twitch, Because I know that we’re going to fight, It was your car I put in the ditch.

The fire is slowly dying,

And, on the couch I’m lying,

I’ll sleep here for a week or so.

‘cause of snow, ‘cause of snow, ‘cause of snow. Shopping Ride Hear registers a’jingling, ring ting tingling too Oh lord, it’s mid-December And I haven’t gone shopping for you, The gift supply is dropping Store owners are shouting "Whoo-hoo," Oh lord, it’s mid-December And I haven’t gone shopping for you,

Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap, let's go, there’s nothing I’ve bought, I’m circling crowded parking lot Giddy yap, giddy yap, giddy yap, I’m doomed, got your list in my hand, I’m hearing a song after song By the Salvation Army band.

I’m just not feeling rosy Or comfy cozy out here I think that all together I should think about whether this year I stop my trying hard and buy you a gift card or two Oh lord, it’s mid-December And I haven’t gone shopping for you.

©2005, Gordon Kirkland