I receive a monthly newsletter from Marc Sadoff, a relationship counselor in California.

http://www.realhope.com/free_tips.php

This month’s tip sheet was about “I” statements, which I’ve examined in previous articles. I recommend his letter with a few caveats.

In conflict situations “I” statements help us keep responsibility for ourselves. The form of an “I” statement is: “When I experienced (something specific), I felt (some feeling), I thought (a belief).” Some people put a ‘because’ in there: “because I thought . . .”. But I don’t find the ‘because’ part necessary or appropriate. It assumes our thoughts or beliefs cause our feelings, and even though it seems that way to us, I doubt it’s always the case.

An example of an “I” statement would be: “When you picked me up a half hour after our agreed-upon time, I felt angry and hurt. I thought you didn’t care about me.”

Sadoff puts the example this way: “When you were late picking me up last week, it made me think you don’t care about me, which made me feel angry and hurt.” I have a problem with “made to feel.” I don’t think it serves us. When I see your actions as causing me to feel a certain way, I’m giving away to you a power I’d best hold on to. Sure, if you knock me on the head you ‘make’ me hurt. But if you’re late for a meeting I might not notice, might be amused or feel grateful for the extra time. If an action can result in so many possibilities, how helpful is it to say the action ‘caused’ the reaction? When I say your words ‘made’ me feel one way or another, I relinquish responsibility for myself.

Sadoff makes an important suggestion. After telling the person how you reacted to his action, it can be quite useful to ask, “Can you understand how I could end up feeling this way?” This is a request for empathy. It lets you know if you both are on the same page.

Sadoff goes on to say this would be a good time to ask for change: “So could you make a better effort at being on time?” I’m not convinced that’s always

necessary or advisable. It’s asking for a commitment, and for me, when a person breaks a commitment, I feel unsafe and hurt. Why put myself in that position? I believe empathy itself results in behaviour change. Empathy is a better tool for remembering and changing a habit than commitments. Commitments can be ways to postpone or cut short an interaction.

Sadoff then makes an excellent point. There are people who are not capable of empathy. When one has made a request for empathy several times and not received it, it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship and adjust its form.