Diane and I attended my niece's wedding on the weekend. It was a learning experience.

It wasn't the wedding itself that was educational, although for a moment, when the groom arrived at the front of the church wearing a kilt, I thought I might be witnessing my first same-sex marriage.

Our accommodations for the weekend taught us the value of booking a hotel early and spending whatever it costs, even if a 'free' room is available.

My niece is the co-host of a morning radio show in a small city a couple of hundred miles from our home. Set on the side of a large lake in an area that sees very good weather for much of the year, the city is very attractive to tourists. As a result, there was no room in the inns.

One of Diane's friends had given us a pamphlet offering three free nights in a resort in that city. In return, we had to attend a meeting with the resort owners to hear the benefits of owning a timeshare there.

It sounded painless; two hours of touring the resort's golf course, riding stables, and accommodations. I should have known better. I am a living, breathing example of someone who too quickly forgets the old adage, if it sounds too good to be true...

Any of you who have ever experienced the sales pitch for a timeshare resort are probably nodding your heads as you read this. So many things are more enjoyable than spending two hours with a timeshare salesperson.

It's close, but I would have to say that it was not quite as much fun as a colonoscopy. In this case, timeshare ownership was being shoved down my throat. In the colonoscopy, something was being shoved somewhere else, but at least no salesperson was involved.

We started the meeting by making it clear that, while we thought the resort was very nice, we would not be making a purchase.We were willing to hear what the program involved and tour the resort, but we were not buying a week there for the next forty years.

At least I thought the words, "We won't be purchasing anything today" were pretty clear when they left my mouth. Apparently, they were not quite as clear when they reached her ears. Still, no matter how unpleasant the experience was about to be, we knew that it was only going to last two hours. Yeah. Right.

We rode around the resort on a golf cart. I've never found it that difficult to drive a golf cart, but the salesperson drove with all the skill of a sixteen-year-old learning to drive a car with a manual transmission. I hadn't experienced that many jerks since I accidentally accepted a booking to speak to a group of tax collectors.

We returned to the office almost two hours after the meeting began. Diane and I were past being ready to head out to lunch, but the salesperson was just getting wound up. Not wishing to be impolite, but thinking of nothing other than lunch, we sat through her spiel of incentives she was willing to offer us for signing a contract that day.

As the two-hour meeting approached its third hour, and my stomach started making noises like a Siberian tiger that hadn't eaten a villager in three or four weeks.We knew the concept of not making a purchase hadn't gotten through.

We repeated, "We won't be purchasing anything today"

In any other business communication that would normally end the meeting. When it became clear that the salesperson was not getting a pen to connect with our checkbook, the sales manager came out of his office.

I now know what happens to salespeople who are too sleazy to be used car salesmen at those lots that sell the cars insurance companies have written off as beyond potential repair. They become sales managers at timeshare resorts.

The next time we have to visit a city that has no room at the inn, I'll seek out the closest stable. At least, no one will try to sell me a week in a manger for the next forty years.

2006, Gordon Kirkland