As we enter a new year, many people will be making the same old resolution that they have made each year for decades. This year, I am going to lose weight.

For most, it lasts until shortly after midnight on January 1, when they pass the desert tray at the New Year’s Eve party they are attending.

Afew months ago, I discovered a great way to shed extra weight. I don’t know if it works for women, but I am living proof that it does for husbands. I am about 40 pounds lighter today than I was at the beginning of June. So what brought about this miracle?

My wife decided to lose weight.

Basically, when Momma ain’t eatin’ ice cream, ain’t nobody eatin’ ice cream.

She’s eating healthy foods, watching her intake, and has eliminated all of those food groups that fall into the fun category. Even if we go out to eat, I am forced to consider the healthy alternative because, should I decide to order a bacon double cheese burger, I will get one of those withering looks that wives can do so well.

I’m already withered enough, thank you very much.

Living with a spouse who is determined to shed extra poundage is a little like living with someone who has just quit smoking or drinking. You’ve all been around people like that. They are more than happy to tell you about all the reasons you should not partake in the product selections they would have willing joined you in consuming just a few weeks ago.

I haven’t seen the inside of a donut in six months. I’m beginning to show signs of withdrawal. The three closest donut shops to my home have had to lay off staff. The Chamber of Commerce in Hershey, Pennsylvania, may have needed an emergency meeting to determine how to deal with the impact on their town’s economy, if I stopped eating chocolate.

They needn’t worry. Whatever money is not going to fast food stores and candy shops is making its way into the economy through clothing stores. Diane has dropped five dress sizes. She is single-handedly keeping two fashion stores and a tailor in business.

I put on quite a bit of weight after the accident that left me partially paralyzed in 1990. To put it in simple terms, I added the weight equivalent of an average eighth-grader to my bulk. This happened because my activity level took a nosedive, while my appetite for bacon double cheeseburgers stayed pretty much the same as it had always been.

My doctor has suggested I take up swimming to increase my activity; however, swimming to me is simply staying alive in the water when I can’t touch the bottom. It’s something I would do if I was ever thrown overboard from anything ranging in size from a canoe to a cruise liner.

As a result, I have stayed away from situations that called for me to be in a canoe or a cruise liner.

Some people seem to think that my longstanding opposition to certain vegetables is the main reason for my weight. In actual fact, it is those vegetables that have helped me reduce my food consumption over the years. Just the smell of broccoli is enough to make me lose my appetite for all the other food that may be sharing space on the plate.

It’s no secret, but that’s why fast food chains have never introduced the broccoli double cheeseburger.

There was a bit of a concern about the impact of losing weight on my image. Over the years, I have developed a certain stage presence based on my admission that I am big for my age. Several people, who have seen me in recent weeks, have suggested that I limit how much weight I lose, so as not to adversely affect my image.

I think they have more confidence in my ability to shed pounds than I do. Even if I lost a lot more weight, I would still be big for my age. In fact, I am targeting just being big for my age, instead of enormous for my age.

I have a ways to go, but I am down to being vast for my age.

(c)2006, Gordon KIrkland