It must be a horrible life for prisoners these days. We've all heard the horror stories from detention centers in Iraq and Afghanistan, but what about poor misguided robbers, murderers, and jaywalkers here in North America?

There are several prisons within a few miles of where I live. I can't imagine the hardships faced by the inmates. Clearly, the threat of prison time at one of these places should be deterrent enough for people considering a life of crime. Can you imagine the sheer degradation that new prisoners sent to Ferndale Prison in Mission, BC must feel, when they discover that the golf course is just a nine-hole? How about the poor murderer who had to ship his own horse to the facility? I'll bet that is enough to make him think twice before he kills his next wife.

Parents have often used the hardship of prison as an example to help them keep their children on the straight and narrow. I wish I had known about the Hutchinson Correctional Facility in Kansas when my sons were young and impressionable. I might have tried to enforce the rules around here a little bit more along the lines of how they do it there.

Things would have flowed a lot better if I had.

A news item crossed my desk about Hutchinson this morning. Apparently, inmates there are now limited to just one roll of toilet paper per week. The article didn't say if they get the kind with a couple hundred sheets or if they are supplied with the big thousand sheet size.

It doesn't really matter. I could have used a rule like that. It would have resulted in a lot less wear and tear on our toilet plungers. I think we single-handedly kept a couple of paper mills in operation during the Nineties, just to keep up with my sons' consumption. Had the article about Hutchinson appeared back then I would have laminated a copy and hung it beside the toilet. It might not have cut down on their paper use, but it would have been positive reinforcement for living by the rules.

The reduction in toilet paper allotment understandably has prisoners in a crappier mood than usual, but prison officials say that they expect to save $600 a month by limiting the number of rolls of toilet paper. They also plan to limit soap and toothpaste for even greater savings. Those who feel the need for more will have to purchase their own at the prison canteen. A four-roll pack of Charmin® costs them $2.70.

I wonder if they prefer the scented or the one with lotion injected into the sheets.

Ever since they retired old Mr. Whipple, Proctor and Gamble have been using animated bears to promote the concept that even the bears that poop in the woods prefer Charmin®. I wonder if they'll launch an ad just for the prisoners, with the bears wearing stripes and leg irons. They could even bring back a shotguntoting Mr. Whipple telling prisoners on a chain gang not to squeeze the Charmin® in the portable outhouse.

There is a concern that toilet paper will become a new form of currency at Hutchinson. Kansas Department of Corrections spokeswoman Frances Breyne admits that anything that is restricted automatically becomes a means of dealing and trading. I suppose different brands could represent different denominations.

You sure wouldn't want to take an old crumpled up bill in your change.

Forget files. Can you imagine the size of the cake the prisoners' wives are going to have to bake to conceal a 36-roll warehouse club package of toilet paper? Fox Broadcasting could develop a spin-off to Prison Break, in which a character gets the blueprints to a prison, printed on a roll of contraband toilet tissue, brought in by his brother. It would probably be easier to read than a tattoo, just not as waterproof.

If the officials at Hutchinson really want to make prison life less comfortable, they could buy the toilet paper that's dispensed a single sheet at a time at those roadside rest stops. After all, it's rough, it's tough, and it sure won't take any crap from the prisoners.

…or anyone else.

©2007, Gordon Kirkland