My fifth book hits the stands this week. The last minute details are always stressful, making sure that everything is put in place ahead of the book launch. OK, it may not be on the same scale as the prelaunch activity for the space shuttle, but then again, I am not likely to ever have to experience that kind of stress. Just as well; the shuttle has had so many problems lately, that it might not be able to get my personal payload into orbit.

The size of my personal payload gave me the title for the new book.

This book is following the lead that started with my first. I've always believed that it is important to give your books titles that people won't soon forget. It worked for Erma Bombeck with The Grass Is Always Greener Over The Septic Tank. It also worked for Lewis Grizzard with Don't Bend Over The Garden Granny, You Know Them Taters Got Eyes.

Who am I to argue?

Once you give one book an odd title, you are pretty much duty-bound to trend ever after. My sons are glad I didn't think about giving them a name people wouldn't forget when they were born. They could have ended up with names like Frank Zappa's kids, Moon Unit and Dweezle.

For me, it all began in 1999 with Justice Is Blind - And Her Dog Just Peed In My Cornflakes. I followed that with three more equally oddly titled books. The fifth one is called I May Be Big But I Didn't Cause That Solar Eclipse.

My publisher and I will be giving the new book its official send-off June 1st in New York at BookExpo-America, a trade show for publishers and book retailers that attracts about 30,000 people from the business each year. This year, as part of the launch efforts, I will be one of the featured signing authors in the autographing area at the show. This will be my third time at the show, but it's the first time we've timed the release of new book to come out in conjunction with it.

If past experience is anything to go by, that means I'll be signing about one hundred books during my half-hour autograph session. My writing hand might need a muscle relaxant after a workout like that.

Every time I have a new book hitting the stands, I think about a woman I met at the beginning of my career. She was a literary agent who thought very highly of herself. She didn't know me, and knew nothing of my writing. In a room filled with over a hundred other writers of varying statures, I asked about the possibility of gathering some of my stories together into a book.

She looked down her nose at me, which as I recall was a fair distance, and said, "You'd have to be some kind of an idiot to think anyone would be interested in something like that."

I don't try to argue about whether or not I am an idiot. There is no point. There's just too much evidence to the contrary. Even if I wanted to dispute it, there are just too many friends and family members who would side with the 'yep, he's an idiot' faction.

For what it's worth though, I am now the awardwinning idiot who has written five books and over 650 newspaper columns. I'm very thankful for all the readers who have been along for the ride.

I suppose the new book will do nothing to improve one part of my reputation. It's been said that my writing makes wives feel better about their marriages because they aren't married to me. Husbands feel better about themselves because they can point me out as an example of how much worse their wives could have it. Even my friends say that sort of thing about me and my writing. Lynn Johnston, who draws the For Better Or For Worse comic strip, is a dear friend of mine. She says she likes to read what I write, but she wouldn't want to be married to me.

I think my wife agrees with her, but thankfully only on days that end with a 'y.'

©2007, Gordon Kirkland