Subject: Re: a letter in response to Paul Hutchings' column - Stop Spoiling Your Kids

I am writing this in response to a column I read written by Paul Hutchings entitled "Stop Spoiling Your Kids". As a parent (and teacher) that title forced me to read on. I cringed when I first read that he is not a parent. As a mother of 4 children (8,6,3yrs and 6mths) it bothers me when I hear childless people making judgement on parents but as I read on, the surprising (and almost depressing) fact was, I believe his perception of parents today is accurate. Some parents don't want to say "no" to their children, it is easier just to give in and not worry about being "the bad guy". Yes, it takes a lot of energy and stress when parenting your child, particularly in public or other peoples' homes, but we need to plan for that. Paul referred to a story of friends coming over with children and immediately changing his TV sports show to the Treehouse channel because otherwise the children won't be quiet. Now, those parents needed a plan. Before going to Paul's they needed to talk to their children about what it will be like, (i.e. no kids to play with) so what would you like to bring? What will happen if you are loud? What do you think the rules are at Paul's house? What will happen if you break one of the rules? Put all the cards on the table and prepare everyone so there is far likely to be any episode to deal with. My kids and I do the "football huddle" talk frequently before going places like: the grocery store, church, funeral home, shopping, library, someone's home etc.

Kids need to know (and be reminded) of what will happen and what is expected. After all, as adults we like to know the rules and expectations before going somewhere. We don't like surprises either. Yes, sometimes this does not always prevent behaviour problems, so, you got to stick to the consequences you laid out in the plan. For example, when my son was 3, we were shopping in a dollar store. made it clear to him before hand what we were going in for and that I would not be buying him anything. Unfortunately, he saw a colourful ball and thought he had to have it. I said "no" (aren't you proud Paul?) and he started the crying fit. I kept validating his desire with "yes, I know you want that ball, think it looks great too, but we are not buying you a ball today..." I started saying it louder in the store so no one would think I was beating him or neglecting him in anyway. At the check out line, he kept crying for the ball and I kept repeating in a sympathetic voice "I know you want the ball, but not today". A lady behind me said she was amazed that I wasn't giving in. She confessed that she would have given in a long time ago. On our way out to the parking lot the crying was louder than ever. Now I am shouting "know it is upsetting that Mommy didn't buy you that ball, you only have a dozen or more at home...." to avoid anyone reporting me for kidnaping a child. When I got him buckled in I reminded him that crying and screaming will never get Mommy to change her mind as it will only teach you to behave badly and turn you into a spoiled kid that no one enjoys being around (now at 6yrs I always add: and nobody wants to teach).

Yes, I am more than willing to be a tough mom to help teach my children good behaviour. And yes, on occasion, may treat them to a ball or other items while shopping, particularly if they have been behaving well while we are running errands, but then again, they also know that often they will not get anything materialistic, instead they will get something far more rewarding: a smile and words of appreciation for great behaviour as they often hear "you behaved well in there not because you would get a sticker, candy or toy, but because you just knew it was the right thing to do." They need to know that they do things like clean up their room, help mommy empty the dishwasher or visit great grandma in the nursing home (even though she doesn't know us) simply because it is the right thing to do. I have heard some parents say they don't want their kids to want for anything. They didn't have x,y and z so they don't want their kids to be without. Are you kidding me? I WANT my kids to want. That is what will self motivate them to grow up and take charge of their lives which leads me to Paul's next point: the "helicopter parents" of young adults today.

My husband has seen this in his construction company. Last summer he had to let go of a summer student for simply not working. When he was let go, his angry mother showed up to rescue him with "Don't worry, Mommy will find you another job." At 16, wouldn't you be embarrassed? He didn't seem the least. The mom shows up the next day to argue his dismissal. After hearing the details of his lack of work ethic/ability or desire to learn, the mother replied, what do you expect for $10.00/hr? Oh, so more money would have motivated him pick up that hammer or shovel? What is mom doing enabling her child to be disenabled? What a disservice to a young adult. This is, as Paul says, about not letting the child grow up.

I believe as a parent that it is my job to make myself obsolete to my kids. That's right. I figure if I do the job at least remotely right, as adults, they will not need me. Now, in my heart, I hope they always need their mother for something (hopefully regular visits and the odd piece of advise now and then), but if we keep passing on knowledge, skills and responsibilities with every passing year, we hope they will take pride in being grown up and independent of mom and dad as young adults. We even have them working on one of the biggest responsibilities of all; their finances. It is all part of that "wanting to want". You have to goals, a plan, work and save up if you experience the desire to want something. Kids and adults that don't experience this are often referred to as "dead beats", waiting for everything to come their way with no effort on their part.

Yes, Paul you are right. As parents we must learn to say "no" and for the sake of future generations, make your children GROW UP!

Jill McPherson

Orangeville