It was an announcement that sent tremors through the national psyche. It was the cause of intercontinental consternation and polarized the population.

Was it the latest global deficit forecasts? Nah. Were there rumours of yet another deadly influenza outbreak? Hardly.

It was much worse. The planet's collective jaw dropped when it was announced that Archie Andrews will marry Veronica Lodge.

I admit that it's been about 40 years since last I read an Archie comic. When I hit adolescence, my preference turned to the searing social commentary of Conan the Barbarian and The Incredible Hulk.

Yet, through all these years, I always figured Archie and Betty would wed and be the happy down-to-earth couple we all know and depend on to anchor our social lives when they start spinning out of control. The high school sweethearts who rarely raise their voice, have two great kids and a ranch bungalow you go to for a weekend barbeque.

So, imagine my shock when I discovered that Archie was nothing but a shallow, materialistic spaz who opted for the cash and decided to hook up with that raven-haired vixen Veronica. I, for one, am convinced the only reason Veronica flirted with Archie through some 60 years of high school was to rebel against her dad for a putting a stop payment on her Porsche.

Besides, what's an obscenely wealthy chick like Veronica Lodge doing at a public high school in the first place? In real life, she would go to some finishing school, study silicone implants 101 and marry some stud, with a seven-figure trust fund, who ends up tossing her overboard during a cocaine-fuelled rampage on the family yacht.

And why, pray tell, would an icon of American aristocracy like Mr. Lodge not do everything in his power to stop his daughter from marrying this Riverdale peasant and risk an irreversible dilution of the family blood line?

There has been some off-the-record media speculation about this. Word on Wall Street is that Lodge Enterprises is in dire financial straits after taking on Reggie Mantle as controller. The morally bankrupt Mr. Mantle, currently doing a five-year stretch for bond fraud, has allegedly wiped the company out after funnelling the bulk of its cash resources into some ill-fated pyramid real estate scheme.

It is believed that Mr. Lodge is welcoming Archie into the family on the premise that this dorky redhead will supply a lifeline between the troubled company and Archie's old high school chum; nerd-turned-billionaire high-tech mogul Dilton Doiley.

Face it, Archie, you're making a mistake. You will never fit into high society. Sure, you will have a million bucks but it will be offset by having zero self-esteem. You will have a token seat on the Lodge board and be laden with such crappy jobs as administering staff cafeteria regulations and monitoring office supply usage. Your fellow board members will think you're a joke and the rest of the employees will hate your guts.

By night, you will be sneaking away from the mansion and heading to the alley behind Pop Tate's (which is now a seedy strip club where Moose works as a doorman). There you will stay until the wee hours of the morning getting drunk with your dear old pal Jughead Jones, a welfare recipient whose interpretation of bliss is a six-pack of Pabst and a Big Mac. He's in a domestic situation you will grow to envy.

The placid moment with Jughead will be ruined, however, when Moose joins you during his smoke break and continuously grumbles about the latest restraining order put on him by his ex-wife Midge.

On every other weekend, Archie, you will hop in the SUV and shout good-bye to Veronica, who won't hear you because she's too busy measuring up the pool boy. You will drive over to Betty's ranch bungalow, which she shares with her insurance adjuster husband named Chuck and her two great kids.

Her lips will wax nostalgic about the six decades you spent together in high school, while her eyes will say "God, you're pathetic. Please get out of my house."

Heed what I'm saying, Archie. It's not too late.

Run. Run like the wind. Leave this looming misery far behind.

We who harbour the romantic notion that all sagas have a happy ending will thank you for it.